The beloved print shop located in South Quixo, known for its community-forward values, unbeatable deals, and ease of access for students at the neighbouring Colgate Chemical College, burnt down this past Tuesday, leaving only the Hyper-Cement foundation with a protruding rebar ribcage.
Officials say the fire occurred around 2:30am, with no one present in the building at the time of the incident. The concentrated nature of the engulfment left surrounding structures unscathed, according to chief fire investigator and online influencer JonJon Baybee.
At a press conference webinar on Thursday night, Baybee confirmed circulating rumours that the fire was no accident. “Arson? I, uh… This was not that. This was much worse. This was a fire that someone started on purpose,” Baybee stated to a virtual lobby of digital journalists and malware chatbots.
Later during the conference, Baybee unknowingly shared his screen revealing a browser tab with search results for “harold and kumar retribution watch online free torrent.”
The suspicious fire comes during rising tensions between competitor print shop Copy Centre 2000’s owner Vincent Lazzo and the Inner City Planning Board for Arts and Culture Coordination (ICPBACC). An uncomplicated racketeering scheme, involving the monopolization of telephone-pole postering through a trendy monthly subscription model, has earned Lazzo a status of infamy in the hallways of local municipal offices. A downscaled legal battle of fines, complaint reports, and bureaucratic bribery has been trading blows back and forth since September, culminating in Lazzo’s alleged tampering with the ICPBACC’s automatic e-mail reply robot, causing it to berate office workers with emotionally abusive remarks.
ICPBACC clerk Dana Calder-McGuigan says he strongly suspects Lazzo and his associates in the GreenPrint fire.
“He did it. I was watching his SnapWorld Live, out of curiosity, and he… admitted to it. Flat out. ‘I did it’ I believe were his words.” says Calder-McGuigan.
Even if there were archived recordings of this livestream, they would be inadmissible as evidence, as Lazzo’s SnapWorld account labels himself as a comedian, which according to the SnapWorld terms and conditions “[r]elieves the Personality of any legal ramifications occurred through published utterances, such as libel, incriminating statements or admissions, or slander, under the New Satire Act (24301c).”
Quixo Police Department refused to comment on the matter of Lazzo’s involvement. We kindly remind the reader that in the 22 years of Live From Quixo publications, with over 2,000 documented requests to comment, QPD has responded only once, regarding questions about the annual Hot Cop Calendar flash sale.
